Recipe for confusion:

Take one slightly ripe Trouble [scrub thoroughly to remove all traces of dirt and rank smell.]

Add dressing to surface of Trouble, and spritz lightly with aromatic fragrance.

Set Trouble aside to rest, begin preparing date.

When date is prepared, combine in a nice restaurant, and marinate in a mixture of imported lager and coconut rum, with some pineapple juice added for sweetness.

Use this time to set the table.

Move Trouble and date to table then introduce seductive, flirtatious and witty conversation.

Add massive shrimps, mussels and linguine in crème sauce to the mix.

Sprinkle with more imported lager, coconut rum and pineapple juice.

Splash generously with vintage port wine.

Garnish with a large bill, and gratuitous helpings of… er… gratuities.

Begin preparing sumptuous desert by massaging the date, paying particular attention to any soft spots.

* This part of the recipe has been censored due to the possibility of young persons reading this cookbook ~ ed.

After consuming date slowly and carefully… over a long period of time… for a very satisfying desert, avoid the urge to sleep, transport the date home.

Taste the confusion when the date, normally very sweet, turns very sour and seems “a little off” at the end of the night.


A younger Trouble would have spent many sleepless hours replaying the evening in his mind, analyzing what he could POSSIBLY have done wrong, plotting a means of repairing whatever damage it was that he UNWITTINGLY must have caused.

Present day Trouble will just console himself that it is one of those issues that only women are aware exists, and play (genuinely) dumb, until I am informed of what it was…